exxxpert cosmo tips
ur sexxxperts!
ur sexperts ;)
Name: Bogo
Age: 19
Astrological Sign: steamy sensual aries
Favourite colour: the colour of dicks
About me: My childhood was plagued by my own crippling gambling addiction as I became obsessed with betting on snail racing in elementary school. However, I was good at placing bets and I almost always walked away from a race with cash in my overalls. By the time I reached the end of high school I had saved up a small fortune which I kept tucked away in my sock drawer without the knowledge of my parents. I ran away from home the day after graduation, leaving my family a note written in my own blood because oops I forgot to buy some pens when I went to the office supply store.
My gambling addiction is still totally a thing but now I gamble for love. I move from country to country in search of new thrills (and okay maybe more snail races shut up okay). One day one of my many international lovers told me, while I was using his back as a baking sheet to make my world famous sexy-back-cupcakes, that I should be giving other women sex advice. Apparently I am really good at giving sex advice or something whatever.
Now I write for cosmo!
——-xoxoxoxo——-
Name: Logan
Age: 48
Astrological sign: Horny Taurus ;)
Favourite colour: Brown and Cyan
About me: fUCK i dont even know if i cna remember?? peopel were always like LOGan youre a LSOER and you smell liek cigarettes and like someone spilled some bee r on you
and i was like FUCK YOU OKAy i knw o im going to do somethin grweat one day
i was nine at the time
as a highershcooler, i could NEVR attract anyone, and i was startin to get sad. i dont NEED YOU FCUCKS i yelled as i lef thighschoo l forever
i strarted an underground porn site catere d to people who smoked and dran k a lot. surely SOMEON E had to lie kme!
after accessive amotuns of masturbation and porn wtzchgn, i was soon giving custoemrs sex tips. i felt greAT! i finally amount ed to something.
on e day, i go ta note from cosmo sayi n my advice was p good or wahtevr and offered me a job
so here i am ;)
——-xoxoxoxo——-
summoningdark
Name: qiam
Age: 5
Astrological Sign: Aquarius, Ophiuchus, and Pisces when i’m at the pool ;)
Favorite Color: Ultra Robomarine Blue Fuchsia Fusion
About me: My mother and father abandoned me at birth when they realized that I was a golden retriever. The sound of my cried in the street attracted the attention of a roving band of velociraptors who took me in and raised me until I was old enough to realize holy shit these guys are fucking bloodthirsty dinosaurs and then I got the fuck out of there jesus christ. I wandered alone, as an orphaned puppy, until I stumbled upon a secret den of hipsters. They gave me an ironic pair of sunglasses and taught me to appreciate the irony in all things. One of them was a former sex master rank XXX who taught me everything I know. I left to pursue my dreams of being a stage magician specializing in puppet antics when I was approached by some people for a job giving sex tips. And now you know my whole life.
——-xoxoxoxo——-
telepathicapathy 
Name: Mel
Age: 18
Astrological sign: gemini
Favourite Colour: I like all kinds of colours!
About me: I was raised by the bearded lady in a traveling circus. I had to pick up a talent so I could earn my keep so I learned the art of contortionism. My boyfriend (the world’s strongest dwarf) always told me I was like an artist in my flexibility and that he loved the way my legs could go behind my head. That inspired me to saw off my left leg and give it to him as a sign of my undying affection for him. He loved it for a moment but died of a heart attack a few seconds before he could say thank you.
I now walk on one real leg and one I stole off a mannequin at target. The circus accidentally left Las Vegas without me and so I had to make a living by contortionist busking, wrapping my body around and between various poles, fences, and signs. I slept in the doorway of the Cosmopolitan building. One day while I was contorting, a woman going to work stopped to watch me. She said “I bet you’d give great sex advice, wouldn’t you?”
And so here I am.
——-xoxoxoxo——-
spookysharks
Name: Noah
Age: 19
Astrological sign: Taurus
Favourite Colour: Blood red
About me: Have you ever seen the movie 2 Fast 2 Furious? I mean like, have you really seen it? Did you really soak it in? No, you didn’t. You just pretended you did. You pretended it was some shallow piece of eye candy, didn’t you. That’s why you’re not a sexxxpert. That’s why you need my advice. My advice to you? Give up.
